


A Pinteresting Life

by tygermine



Series: Merthur Long Shots [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Flirting, Humor, M/M, No Smut, Office Party
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:09:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21705010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tygermine/pseuds/tygermine
Summary: Arthur needs to put an end to Uther's links to progressive nursery schools and pins about spring weddings...
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merthur Long Shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1630558
Comments: 52
Kudos: 332
Collections: Merlin Holidays 2019





	1. Are There Any Pinterest Addiction Support Groups?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GeekLover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeekLover/gifts).



> To my dear GeekLover, who sent me a prompt about a fake relationship AU, only I read it wrong, got about 20 pages into a fic then realised it was wrong, so I wrote a new one using the prompt properly.
> 
> Also, no smut, but let me know if you want a smutty sequel involving a candy cane and some eggnog.
> 
> Beta'd with Grammarly and a bottle of wine.
> 
> Enjoy!!!

“Yes, I’ll be there...no...I don’t have to do anything...what? No, Morgana...fine. Fine.”

Arthur hung up his phone, which would have been more satisfying if it had been a landline or flip phone so he could slam it down with a decisive noise. Smartphones were great but left a lot to be desired when trying to angrily hang up.

He was at The Phoenix in Cavendish Square, pre-gaming for the office Christmas party. Uther went all out every year, but this year was going to suck. He had been making comments about Pendragon Productions being a family business and that it should be run by someone with a family with pointed looks to Arthur followed by a sigh.

As if it was Arthur’s fault he was single.

Well, in a way…

No. It wasn’t his fault there was no one who caught his attention and held it. Pickings were slim when you reached thirty. Everyone was already married and if they weren’t partnered up, then there was something very wrong with them.

Things like still living at home or supporting Boris Johnson or Arsenal.

These things were beyond Arthur’s control and so it was actually the universe’s fault that he was still single.

It didn’t help that his last partner turned out to be a raging sociopath.

The number of beers he had to buy to repair his relationships with his friends after Sophia had basically severed all his ties with them was astoundingly...only one round. He had called Leon and Lance once he’d peeled himself from his couch after the screeching hurricane had moved out and they met him at the pub. After a beer, they patted him on the back, shared their condolences on the implosion of his relationship and began talking about the football.

But now?

Things were getting dire.

Uther had taken up watching tv whilst Morgana and Arthur took more control of the company and he had developed a fondness for This Is Us, which made him lean towards wanting grandchildren and legacies and family holidays and had, essentially, become a soft old fuddy-duddy. He had even started a Pinterest account and sent Arthur and Morgana pins of nurseries and links to the most progressive nursery schools.

In response, Morgana brought her new girlfriend Morgause to dinner one night.

Now the only recipient of Uther's pins was Arthur.

Fuck. His. Life.

“Another jager bomb, Gwaine. And a pint of Peroni.” Arthur leaned against the bar and surveyed the crowd as he waited for Gwaine to pour his drinks. 

The Jager bomb was delivered first, which Arthur immediately knocked back, followed by a long sip of his pint.

“Aren’t you a bit old to be trying to kill yourself like a uni student?”

Arthur blinked in that delayed way that always follows mainlining Jagermeister and red bull. There was a man standing next to him wearing a smirk.

“Call it Dutch Courage,” Arthur answered, discreetly wiping his mouth.

The man laughed and looked around. “Thursday night here? I don’t blame you.”

A group of women sitting at the other end of the bar let out a loud Woo. 

Oh. Right. Ladies night. 

But that was the reason he was here, wasn’t it? To pick up a girl to take to his father in order to make the pins and email links stop.

Thing was, this man was actually pretty good looking. Like really good looking, actually. Black mop of hair, periwinkle eyes and lips that should be registered as a dangerous weapon.

Ladies Night and Office Christmas Party be damned. Arthur wanted to rather spend his night making this man moan.

Arthur smiled and gave the man a slow once over. He was dressed in black slacks and a dark blue button-up shirt with no tie. Smart enough to go to the party, yet casual enough.

Yes. Yes, he would do.

“I’m not here for them,” Arthur said.

“Oh? Then why are you in a bar on Ladies Night?”

“Procrastinating. What about you?”

The man nodded in thanks to Gwaine who handed him his beer. “I’m trying to forget a rather bad day. I forgot that it’s ladies night, or I would have gone to the off-license then straight home.” The man held out his hand. “I’m Merlin, by the way.”

Arthur took his hand and shook it. “Arthur.”

“Alright, Arthur. You work around here?”

Arthur shrugged. He could say that he worked in the office building next door and then Merlin would connect the dots to who and what Arthur was. So Arthur did what he did best - he avoided the subject so he didn’t have to lie.

“Yeah. You?”

“Across the road. I’m surprised I haven’t seen you in here before.”

“A regular then?”

Merlin blushed. “I’m not like...I don’t drink every day, but they make really good burgers here.”

“Can’t say I’ve ever tried the food, but I’ll take your word for it. So what do you do across the street?” 

“Nothing interesting at all. What about you?”

Good question, actually. Arthur had a very important-sounding title, but on a day to day basis? It felt like he spent all day berating staff for making stupid mistakes and then either hiding or explaining the mistakes to Morgana and the other senior executives.

“Same. Nothing worth talking about.”

Merlin nodded and sipped his beer, looking down at the marble countertop.

Shit. Shit. Shit. He had lost Merlin already. Quick. Think of something clever and interesting to say.

“Have you seen the Warhol exhibit at the National Portrait Gallery?”

Arthur winced. Great. Now he sounded like a pompous arse.

“Warhol’s not really my thing,” Merlin grimaced, looking apologetic. “I’m more of a Dali fan.”

“Surrealism? Really?” Arthur pursed his lips. Don’t be a dick. Do not be a dick. “I like his Time piece.”

Merlin laughed. “Let’s make this a little more low brow. Football team?”

“Chelsea. Obviously.”

“Obviously,” Merlin rolled his eyes and pointed to himself. “West Bromich.”

“Do you hate yourself?”

“Sod off. They’re not that bad. It was my dad’s team.”

“Ah, so you inherited your bad taste.” Arthur laughed as Merlin nudged him with his elbow. “Labour?”

“Lib Dem, actually.”

“Interesting.”

“Let me guess, Tory?”

“I’ve read an issue of The Guardian or two.”

“Let me guess, in uni to impress some person who wore Che Guevara t-shirts and spent their days protesting everything?”

“Nelson Mandela t-shirts, actually.” 

They shared a grimace before bursting into laughter.

“Alright,” gasped Merlin. “Keeping with the festive theme, best Christmas movie?”

“Well, Die Hard, obviously.”

“Oh my god. Marry me right now.” 

Arthur’s breath caught in his throat. Could he? Would he? “I don’t know. You support West Bromich. That would be grounds for divorce where I’m from.”

“I’m not ditching my dad’s team for some trophy husband.”

“I haven’t said yes!” Yet.

“True. Okay. Christmas songs. Yes or no?” Merlin took another sip of beer and gestured to Gwaine for another round.

“Depends. In November? No. In December? Yes. But if I hear Silent Night, I have to leave the room.”

“What’s your issue with Silent Night?”

“A school show we will never, ever discuss. Okay, my turn. Do you watch Love Island?”

“Is this a trick question?”

Arthur smirked and Merlin sighed. 

“No. I do not watch Love Island.” Merlin nodded in thanks to Gwaine and handed Arthur a fresh pint. 

Arthur smiled so widely, his cheeks hurt. “Ten points to Hufflepuff.”

“I’m a Gryffindor.”

“Everyone’s a bloody Gryffindor,” Arthur sulked subtly and emptied his pint before lifting the fresh one. 

Merlin’s smile was brilliant and it made Arthur’s pants a little tighter. “So what are you procrastinating?”

“Office Christmas Party of Doom.”

“I’m assuming you are obliged to show up?” Merlin let go of his hand and took a sip of his beer.

“Unfortunately. But, there is an open bar.” He licked his lips. “What would you say to crashing my office party?”

Merlin paused beer close to his lips. He lowered the glass and shook his head. “Wow. That was faster than a Grindr hook up proposal.”

“Oh, no. No sex. I just… you’re not doing anything except having a drink and to save money - not that I think you look like you need to save money - but...who can say no to an open bar?”

“I can.” Merlin turned as if to move away when Arthur caught his arm, immediately releasing it at the look Merlin shot him.

“Look, it's not a sleazy hookup thing. I just don’t want to go alone and even though we just met a few minutes ago...you’d be the best company there.”

Merlin pursed his lips and examined Arthur with narrowed eyes. They stood frozen for those moments as around them women wooed and men laughed and the sound system blared Jingle Bell Rock.

Arthur felt his good mood from earlier begin to evaporate, pulling his shoulders down as if he was wilting. 

“Okay.”

Arthur blinked in surprise. “Really?”

Merlin nodded. “Yeah. Open bar, a good laugh and no weird sex thing? Count me in.”

“Brilliant!” Arthur handed Gwaine too much money and led Merlin outside to hail a cab. “Are you more of a vanilla sex person then?” He asked as they climbed into the cab. Merlin awkwardly nudged him in the ribs before settling into his seat.

As the cab pulled away from Cavendish Square and began the trek to The Shard on the south bank, Merlin leaned over and whispered in Arthur’s ear. 

“There’s nothing vanilla about my sex.”

Arthur spent the journey looking out the window trying to urge his cock into submission and remembering to breathe.


	2. I Never Joke About Peonies In A Bouquet

Pendragon Productions had laid out a small fortune to hire Gong - a restaurant on the 52nd floor of The Shard on London’s south bank, right by London Bridge station.

As the elevator travelled towards the summit, Arthur felt his ears pop and gave Merlina small, reassuring smile.

It will be all fine. He just had to make an appearance, let his father see him with someone and then they’ll be able to hit the bar with no further complications.

The doors of the elevator opened with a soft chime and the two stepped into the entrance of Gong. The usual tables and sofas had been moved out to make space for elbow high tables and elegant bar stools which were only good for perching precariously on.

Merlin and Arthur exchanged a smile and Arthur nodded towards the party.

“Shall we?”

“Lead on, good man. To where the top-shelf whiskey is being kept.” Merlin smiled.

They were halfway to the bar when they were intercepted by Morgana.

“Where have you been?” She demanded through a wide smile. “You are late.”

“Looking beautiful as ever,” Arthur leaned over and pecked her on the cheek.

“Don’t play coy with me. I need you to follow me. No questions asked, okay?”

Arthur shifted, putting his hands in his pockets. “Can it wait? There’s a bottle of MacCallan 64 with my name on it.” He smiled at Merlin’s impressed low whistle to his right.

“There’s a last will and testament that will not have your name on it if you don’t follow me. Right. Now.”

There was something in Morgana’s tone that gave him pause. Usually, she was all snark and charm, especially when she was teasing him, or setting him up for a prank. They had been replaced by panic and frustration.

“Fine. Come along Merlin, let’s see what the hysteria is all about.”

Morgana frowned in confusion until she noticed the man Arthur had spoken to. 

“This is family business,” she began to protest but trailed off as she spotted someone over Arthur’s shoulder. “Nevermind. Come, quickly.”

She led them to a private anteroom where the curtains had been drawn to keep prying eyes away. 

Seated on a mustard yellow chaise sofa was Sophia, working her way through a bottle of vodka and looking rather upset about it.

“Morgana,” Arthur reached back with his right hand and grabbed Merlin’s hand. “Why is my ex-girlfriend here?”

Sophia barely looked up from her phone as she raised her left hand in a limp imitation of a greeting. Morgana took Arthur’s left hand and led him to a second chaise, this one a violent shade of scarlet. Merlin followed and sank down next to Arthur.

“Uther has been in his office all week with the lawyers. I think he’s getting desperate. So, I invited Sophia to help you pretend to Uther that you have your life together and grandchildren will be forthcoming. Sophia agreed and here we are.”

“You think Uther will believe this charade?”

Sophia let out a delicate burp from her side of the room and poured herself another vodka tonic, only, she left out the tonic. “Is fine Ahtor,” she slurred through her Chelsea accent. “Utha things I’m tha bees knees.” She took a sip of her drink and gave Arthur a one over. “You always liked me on my knees anyway.” Sophia hiccoughed, burped and giggled at her little joke.

Morgana and Arthur looked at each other.

“No.”

“But Arthur, the will-”

“I’m not pretending to be back with Sophie-”

“-cut you out-”

“-drunk, gold-digging, conniving-”

“-fucking grandchildren!”

Merlin cut in. “I don’t see why my boyfriend has to pretend to have a partner when I’m sitting right here.”

Arthur froze for a moment, his lips still forming the words to tell Morgana how much damage Sophia had caused. Instead, the words morphed into a simple - “Yes.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Morgana blinked in surprise and leaned back. “You’re...but...since when?”

Merlin shrugged and held up their entwined hands. “A while. I just didn’t want to make it public because it’s no one else’s business, is it my love?” He leaned over and gave Arthur a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

“Oh, hello. Do that again, dahling,” Sophia slurred and leaned forward.

They ignored her.

“Oh, yes, Morgana, I’m sorry. This is Merlin, my boyfriend. Merlin, my sister.” Arthur stood up, pulling Merlin with him. “I’m just going to introduce him to Uther then we’ve got other plans, isn’t that right, dear?”

Before Merlin could do more than just nod his head, Arthur pulled him out of the anteroom and began searching for Uther to get this over with. It should come as no surprise that Uther was surrounded by a group of sycophants laughing as he showed them the video of the little toddler asking Alexa to play Baby Shark. It was around the third repeat of the video that Uther looked up and noticed Arthur heading towards him. 

“I think that’s enough of that.” Uther dismissed them lightly. “I’ll see you all at the office on the 6th.”

Arthur greeted some of the staff members as they left, exchanging a joke or a holiday pun-filled exchange. That was the thing, wasn’t it? The staff actually liked Arthur and he liked them, so if Uther’s need for grandchildren was going to get in the way of Arthur taking over, well, Uther had another think coming.

“Father,” Arthur greeted him with a handshake. Uther laughed and pulled him into a hug. So, three whiskeys in. Good.

“Arthur, it’s good to see you. Why are you so late? I thought you’d say a few words.” Uther’s smile was warm and his cheeks ruddy. Full of the “Christmas” spirit.

“Sorry about that. I had to go meet up with someone.” 

Merlin could feel Arthur start to stumble on the lie so he stepped forward, hand held out.

“I’m Merlin, sir. Arthur had to pick me up, that’s why he’s late. I had some last-minute things to settle at the office. You know how it is - holiday rush and all that.”

Uther’s eyebrows did a small, confused jig on his forehead for a moment before he took the proffered hand. “Ah, Merlin. Arthur has been rather selfishly private about your very existence.”

“All my fault, sir. I just wanted to make sure this was serious.” They shook hands for a moment and then Merlin wound an arm around Arthur’s waist. “Arthur here has been wooing me for months, haven’t you, plum?”

“Woo’ing?” Arthur felt his eyebrow arch. 

“Oh, right, I forget you posh lot prefer the term courting.” Merlin turned to Uther. “He’s really good at it. Did you teach him how? I mean, the flowers with their cryptic clues and the amazing secret dinner spots. How can a man resist such a show of romance?”

Arthur choked on his spit and gestured frantically for a waiter.

“But really,” Merlin had not stopped talking. “It was that mini-break we took to Prague. How can you not fall in love in that city? The bridges, the art, the things he did to me in that-”

“Yes, well, I think my father gets the idea.”

Uther, to his credit, didn’t look at all as Arthur had imagined Merlin’s little speech would affect him. In fact...were those...was Uther tearing up?

“Tell me, Merlin, do you think a spring wedding would be too tacky?”

“Drinks! We need- where are the sodding waiters? Be back in a second.” Arthur pulled Merlin to the bar and almost lunged across it to get a barman’s attention. With their drinks order placed, Arthur finally dared to look at Merlin.

The bastard was grinning like a loon. “A spring wedding?” He spluttered before throwing his head back and laughing with his whole body. “Oh. My. God. Arthur, thank you. This is the most fun I’ve had in ages.”

“Wait. What?” Arthur froze.

“Your dad is a piece of work. It’s brilliant. Let’s go back. I want to hear his thoughts on bridesmaid dresses.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I never joke about peonies in a bouquet.”

Merlin swallowed down his whiskey, ordered two more and with a cheeky grin and a wink to Arthur, made his way back to Uther. He must have said something about Arthur when he got there as they both shot him a glance before laughing boisterously.

This was going to be a very long night for Arthur.

* * *

“I don’t know why you’re sulking,” muttered Merlin as they shared a taxi later that night. 

“I’m not sulking,” sulked Arthur.

Merlin simply hummed.

“Okay, fine. I’m not happy about how tonight went.” 

“I don’t know, I’d say it was a success. Uther thinks you’re the best son on the planet and you keep your inheritance.”

“No, he thinks you’re the best future son-in-law on the planet. I just...I thought we were going to have a few drinks and chat. You spent the whole evening with my father.”

“There’s no need to be jealous, you know--”

“I’m not jealous.”

“--after all, I’m going home with you, aren’t I?”

“You are?”

“Unless you don’t want me--”

“No. I mean...I do? I do...want…”

“Brilliant.” Merlin leaned over and softly kissed him on the lips. “Just remember what I said earlier…”

The End...


End file.
